Second Place - Most Humorous
First Place - Most Successful Usage of "Sniffing" and "Crossing Arms Beneath Breasts"
Second Place - Most Entertaining Usage of "MPS"
A Modest Plot Summary for A Path of Daggers:
Rand's often prophesied fall from power occurs on the opening page of the
book, as the wind that was not the beginning, as there are neither
beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time, although it is
_a_ beginning, blows south and west over the Hills of Kintara, down the
River Cary, over the Maredo Plains and Swamps, through the spires of Illian
towers to knock the Dragon Reborn on his ass. One prick of the finger on the
wrong end of the Crown of Swords in the fall, and the next thing you know
it's tetanus. Within weeks he's lost his hand, and midway through the book
he's seen stumbling out of the city, where the plot thread is left open
until the next book. In subsequent interviews about the book's cover, which
obviously now shows a scene that never happens, it is revealed that D.K.
Sweet was attempting to portray Loial and Gaul engaged in a game of Stones.
Mat is taken back to Seanchan, not because of the ring (it is merely a
child's toy, found in Ebou Dari boxes of Cracker Jack) but because his
trademark black hat and sultry yet-weary eyes give him an Antonio Banderas
type of look that Seanchan women just find irresistible. He spends a good
portion of the book trapped as a Palace gigolo, where he learns that
"marrying the Daughter of the Nine Moons" is a Seanchan euphinism for
cunnilingus. Towards the end of the novel he is forced into an arranged
marriage with Pura, where, as is in accordance with Seanchan marriage
customs, his named is changed his to Matrm (sic). Discussion on rasfwr-j is
delayed for two days as readers begin to suffer from Matrm Pun Syndrome.
Their army routed by the Mounted Prophet Soldiers, Perrin, Faile and Berlain
are forced to seek refuge in an abandoned bungalow. There they are subjected
to numerous wacky misunderstandings, while the prying eyes of neighbor Don
Knotts look on.
In chapter six, Olver declares that he is Gaidal Cain.
Demandred is revealed to have spent the last three books masquerading as a
Murandian Pawn Shop owner, and is therefore conclusively proven not to be
Mazrim Taim. Jordan further emphasizes this point my titling his first draft
of the ninth book "Demandred Is Not Taim" and the final draft "Damn it, I
said Demandred Is Not Taim, Now Leave Me Alone You Wretched Little People,"
with the added subtitle "And We're At It I'd Like To Have a Word With You
Mr. Garrett Over These Rumors of My Death If I May." Executives at Tor
wisely amend this to "A Bushel of Wheat."
Asmodean's killer, obviously, is not revealed. However, Jordan introduces
yet another enigmatic villain, this one named Mupha Phial Sin, which, it is
revealed, is the Sharan translation for "You? No!"
The tense situation in the White Tower begins to come to a boil. Corpses of
Aes Sedai begin to mysteriously appear in hallways. A POV from one of the
victims reveals that there is a Mayene Parlor Servant with immense power who
apparently really resents the term "scullery maid." In a shocking turn of
events, it is revealed that strangely enough, there are no lesbians in the
Red Ajah, and the Green Ajah consists of nothing but. The Salidar forces
arrive, only to be forced into a month-long siege. The ensuing sniffing from
both sides topples the White Tower, dries up a stretch of the River Erinin
and destroys the surrounding countryside.
In chapter twenty-four, Olver declares that he is Mazrim Taim.
The book includes over a hundred pages of footnotes and introduces 55
different addictive substances (including Muscimole, Psylocibin, and
Sudafed) to Randland. At no point, however, does Perrin does take up tennis.
An insightful glimpse into the world of the Many-Peopled Seanchan reveals
that all the women are considered woolheads, and the men have the peculiar
custom of crossing their arms under their testicles in disgust.
Bayle Domon, now a much More Prosperous Seaman after dumping the male a'dam
and starting a smuggling run to Isle of Madmen, returns triumphant, albeit
with an obnoxious accent and a strangely bent angreal that returns to you
whenever you throw it.
In chapter thirty-seven, Olver declares that he is Michael Caine.
Logain is given Mystic Platinum Spectacles from the Creator that allow him
to translate giant golden plates he finds buried in Altara. He then
destroys the plates, and builds up a large following of pilgrims, and moves
to Utah.
Fleeing from the Seanchan invasion, the Kin, led by Aviendha and our Dynamic
Duo Elayne and Nynaeve, Travel to Arad Doman, where they fall into the
clutches of Graendal. Graendal immediately tries to seduce Lan, making
Nynaeve extremely jealous. Elayne is taken in with the proud majesty of
Graendal's Old Man, making Thom extremely jealous. Aviendha seduces the King
of Shara, making the queen of Shara extremely jealous. Renaile, the Sea Folk
Windfinder, falls in love with Ramsid brother of the Domani king; no one's
especially jealous there, as Ramsid's wife's vegetable and they're minor
characters anyway. Setalle Anan falls in love with Graendal's alter ego
Lady Basene, as she reminds the innkeeper of her passionate tryst with Verin
seventy years earlier. Verin, of course, is extremely jealous. Don't ask how
she knows. She's Verin, damn it. Amathera, having escaped from the Seanchan
and stumbling across our little love shack, falls head over heels in love
with Hurin the Shienarian sniffer, (who has absolutely no good reason to be
there, but hell, I'm just pulling in people from all over the map.) which
makes Julian extremely jealous, not of their love, but instead at the
realization that he's merely a cheap imitation of an earlier character.
Jordan lets this Melrose Place Scenario play out for eight or so chapters in
an effort to surpass his masterful scenes at the circus in FoH, then ends
the book.