Second Place - Most Successful Usage of "Sniffing" and "Crossing Arms Beneath Breasts"
The Path of Daggers
Book Eight of the Wheel of
Chapter One
The New King
The Wheel of Time turns. Ages come and pass. Memories become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten by the time it hits American television, replaced with wild stories about kangaroos in the streets, koalas in everybody's backyard, and all these Aussies with the amazing ability to walk upside down due to the position of their continent on the underside of the Earth. And it was somewhere around here, in a cold, wet area untouched by American television producers that a nasty wind came to be. North and west these winds blew, away from the red (and green and grey) continent across the large blue oceans and into the continent of Randland, a land probably far more real than Australia in the minds of most Americans, and far more likely to exist.
The wind blew across Illian, where several banners fluttered in the wind above the turrets on the King's castle. There was one with a dragon on it, writhing in the wind, another red one, with the ancient symbol of the Aes Sedai on it, and a third one, which the servants were only just taking down; the green one with the nine golden bees on it, the flag of the Illian Bees, placed there by drunken revellers fater their team's recent win in the Ranland Cup daes'sockur.
Within the palace, Rand al'Thor, the Dragon Reborn and now the new King of Illian, was retiring to his quarters after a hard day's work.
Min, Rand's latest but willing victim, sat quietly within the quarters, reading a book. She looked up sharply as he entered, then tilted her head to one side and squinted at him suspiciously.
'Rand?'
'Yes?' Rand began unbuckling his belt.
'Are you sure, you look....different somehow.'
Rand tossed his belt and sword to the floor and began to unbutton his new blue coat. 'How do you mean Min?'
'Well, for a start you look older. About ten years older, and far more serious.'
'I don't follow you.' Rand began to unlace his shirt.
'Have you had a haircut? I liked that spikey do. Where did all those muscles go? Your not the rebellious misfit in the big black boots I was bonking in the last book. And you look taller.'
Rand trotted across to the cupboard and threw it open, tossing his shirt within.
'Are you riding a horse?'
Rand dismounted to take off his breeches, then gathered Min into his arms. 'Min, I'm feeling randy, why don't we take to the sheets and....?'
Min nodded in silent approval, and then Rand threw her to the sheets and then, so as not to spoil the tradition of avoiding all remotely blue subjects, they got dressed again three to five minutes later. However, there are probably several really good nudity scenes which involve a lot of men's ears burning in coming chapters, so don't stop reading now.
'Oh Min,' Rand sat down heavily in a large chair by the wall, 'You must think I'm some kind of animal.'
'Oh yes Rand. A wild stallion to be exact.'
--
Chapter Two
Confusion
Moridin looked up as his third visitor arrived. Osan'gar, with his plain looking face that chafed him so, looked around the room, then fixed his eyes of Aran'gar.
Moridin smiled and began 'So now we are all here. It's time to work this out well and truly. Shaidar Haran, you claim to be Ishamael reincarnated?'
'Er...no.' Shaidar spoke with a voice like the noise a sheet of that package padding makes when you're not popping it.
'Who was that then?' Moridin glanced at the other two.
'I think it was you, Moridin.' Aran'gar spoke with a voice that promised wild lapses in the story followed by 'waking up the next morning' text.
'Oh, all right, so are we all agreed. I'm Ishamael?'
'Oh yeah. But which one of us is Aginor?' Osan'gar asked in a desperate voice.
'Me, of course.' Aran'gar cut in.
'Are you sure?' Shaidar Haran scratched his head. 'Where does Balthamel come into this. Is that me?'
'Who?' Moridin asked.
'I remember him, a womaniser. Disgusting macho pig. Treating us like toys for him to play with.' Aran'gar scoffed.
'Wasn't that you Aran'gar?' Osan'gar smirked.
'Oh shit. Well, at least this way I get to play both sides of the table. Up for a bonk Moridin, or whoever you want to be?'
'What about me?'
They all looked up, to see another dark haired man in the corner of the room.
'Oh sure, wait until I'm finished with Moridin first though.'
'Who under the Light are you?' Moridin spoke over Aran'gar.
'I'm the Wanderer, I helped Rand in Shadar Logoth. Where do I fit into all of this?'
'Bugger me, I've got no bloody idea. Has anybody linked you with another character yet?'
'Yes, er...you actually. They think we're one and the same.'
Moridin massaged his temples lightly, trying to wrap his mind around the whole confusion.
'Quick, before this whole thing degenerates into a long and drawn out argument and we are forced to start up a newsgroup, change the subject.'
'Alright then. Can anyone tell me which one of us did kill Asmodean? It's not good for us, the characters who are supposed to be in the know of things, to be left in the dark.'
The Watcher watched all this from his place in the shadows, invisible in his fancloth. Where was he left in all of this? Was he this Moridin guy, or was he the Wanderer? Or was he both? And, if so, was he Ishamael reincarnate, or some other wildcard yet to be revealed?
There was one thing he knew for certain, he was going to log in and post a message right away.
--
Chapter Three
In Which The Female Characters Make An Appearance
Egwene the noble figurehead of the Aes Sedai, felt another headache coming on. All these details were hurting her brain. Pushing the papers aside, she called for Halima.
'Has Mother been thinking too hard again?' Halima asked as she entered the tent.
Egwene nodded, pouting.
'Oh dear. I suppose you want a lolly.' Halima fished around in her pocket and produced a mintie. 'Of course, Mother knows never to take lollies from strangers, don't you mother?'
Egwene nodded again.
'Here, let me help your head.' Halima began to gently rub Egwene's head. Almost instantly, the pain went away. Egwene began to feel sleepy.
However, the spell was broken by two new figures entering the tent.
'Laynie! Nynaeve!' Egwene clapped her hands together and stood up, dismissing Halima so she could talk privately to her two best friends. Of course, there was also Min, and Halima, and Aviendha, but they were just her best friends. Elayne and Nynaeve were her bestest friends.
'We have the Bowl of Winds Egwene, its here.' Nynaeve said.
'The what?'
'And we have a whole heap of new recruits, all wanting to join our side.'
'Huh?'
Elayne and Nynaeve looked at eachother, then sat down oposite Egwene.
'Listen Egwene, we have to talk. This is serious. Two books ago, you were fine, as smart as any of us, but sometime during book seven, something happened.' Elayne spoke quietly. Egwene didn't understand all the words, but it sounded bad.
'You're losing your brains Egwene!' Nynaeve exploded. 'Look at Halima, you're having nasty headaches, and she just happens to be able to cure them at a touch? It's right under your nose Egwene, and you don't see it. Even someone who uses newsgroups could have seen that.'
Egwene was offended, so she sniffed loudly.
'What under the Light are you doing Egwene? Sniffing? Here? Can you see any men around? How could you forget the Code of Confusion, sniffs are only to be used the the presence of men, for the purpose of clouding their mind. It seems your mind is clouded enough. It's time we took charge of thing ourselves!'
And so the story goes on, with Egwene spiralling down into the path of oblivion Perrin found long ago when he met Faile, Mat making good use of Seanchan metaphors and Rand and Min breaking up so Rand can get together with Elayne - of course, they won't get down and dirty until book nine, because there has to be a one book bridger between non-sex scenes.