Third Place - Most Humorous
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LIVING WITH A "PATH OF DAGGERS"
"So as you can see, Rand," said Rhuarc pointing at a map of Ebou Dar, " the
Seanchan have placed fortifications as these key points and...."
"Hmmm....yes, I see. So, it is safe to say that if we were to try to enter
the city at one of those points it would be like walking down a *path of
daggers*?" asked Rand.
"Path of daggers? Er, uh....yes, I suppose so. In a way, yes," replied
Rhuarc.
"And here, these defensive positions seem particularly formidible, surely
this, too, would be like a *path of daggers*" said Rand.
"Well...yeah, yeah, again, that would be pretty difficult going and...er,
uh, yeah, sorta like a path of daggers," replied Rhuarc, " but enough about
this path of daggers stuff, please concentrate on what I'm telling you as
this is essen..."
"Yes, essential, I can see that. But really, it appears that the whole
city is a...*PATH OF DAGGERS*!" said Rand.
"What is it with you and this 'path of daggers' shit?" asked Mat.
"Oh nothing, it's just that my life is filled with so many trials and
tribulations that it could be argued that every move I make is one leading
down a....**PATH OF DAGGERS**!!"
"Blood and bloody ashes! Have you finally gone daft? Cut it out, already!
I want to get this shit over with as I've got a date with a bar wench in
town who's as hot and sexy as...."
"A...PATH OF DAGGERS!! perhaps?"
"What?! Okay, I'm outta here. Rhuarc? Let me know just what you need me
to do. This is getting us nowhere," said Mat.
"Sometimes, the path to nowhere is actually a....***PATH OF DAGGERS!!***"
Silence.
Finally Rhuarc speaks, "I think that I must agree with Cauthon in that this
is getting us nowhere and is in fact quite irritating. Please, desist in
this, Rand. We have much to do and not much time to do it as the Sean..."
"Yes. The Seanchan. They are out there, waiting for me. Right at the end
of...A PATH OF DAGGERS!!"
"That's just great, this guy's a fuckin' loon! Lan, can't you, of all
people, get him to get his mind back on track? Or is this it, has he gone
completely banana pudding?" asked Mat.
"Loon, you say? Yes, undoubtedly their will be many animals along
the...PATH OF DAGGERS!!"
Again, silence.
Finally Lan speaks for the first time, "Rand, we all understand just how
difficult the road is that you must travel and yes, it is much like a path
of daggers but could you, please, for the time being at least, please not
keep reminding us of this fact? For the sake of this discussion, I mean?"
"Hey, no problem, big guy. I'm easy," replied Rand.
"Good," said Lan, "Now Rhuarc...what were you saying about the perimeter in
this..."
"Oh yeah, does that ever look trecherous there, boy howdy. Is it ever a
great big honkin' P O D just waiting to reach out and snag me but good!"
'P O D?" asked Mat.
"Don't ask that," said Perrin.
"PATH OF DAGGERS, of course," replied Rand.
"That's it, I'm gonna kill this insane motherfucker," said Mat.
"Kill me, you say? My oh my, that would surely make this particular
situation we are in the epitome of a...PATH OF DAGGERS!!"
"That's it, I'll help you," said Perrin.
"We'll _all_ help," said Rhuarc.
"Okay, okay...I get the hint," said Rand, "I'll shut up about my
situation."
"Are you sure?" asked Lan.
"Oh abso-fuckin'-lutely," replied Rand.
"Okay," began Rhuarc, "where was I? Oh yeah, if we are to be able to
adequately attack these quadrants we mus..."
"Avoid the ever-present...PATH OF DAGGERS? Not get caught up in the
turmoil that surrounds me like a...PATH OF DAGGERS? Manage to escape the
horrible fate that awaits anyone who travels with me down the...PATH OF
DAGGERS? Oh, my mercy...it's a PATH OF DAGGERS over there by that
waterskin. And another...PATH OF DAGGERS...right behind the latrines. Oh,
the humanity! PATH OF DAGGERS TO LEFT OF ME, PATH OF DAGGERS TO THE RIGHT,
AND HERE I AM...STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU!!"
Silence.
"Okay, anybody want to go into town with me and see if the barmaid has a
friend?" asked Mat.
"Hey, whatever," replied Perrin.
"Count me in," said Rhuarc.
"Sounds like a plan," said Lan.
"Hey, I'll go with you as long as you don't lead me down the...PATH OF
DAGGERS!!"
"I'll buy the first round," said Mat.
"You're on," said Perrin, "as long as you let me buy the next and the next
and the next as suddenly, I don't want to be sober anymore."
"I heard that," said Lan.
"You got that right," said Rhuarc.
"Let's go," said Mat.
"Go? Go so soon? Why who would want to hurry out onto the...PATH OF
DAGGERS?"
"Hey, I heard a good joke...Knock knock..." said Mat.
"Who's there," said Perrin.
"Not Rand," said Mat.
"Ha ha, it is to laugh," said Lan.
"Laugh? What, with a....***PATH OF DAGGERS*** all around us?"
"Fuck 'around us'...we're bloody _on_ the damn thing and you're driving,"
said Mat.
"Well then we better watch out as driving on a...PATH OF DAGGERS could
cause us to get flat tires, doncha know, and we don't have a spare."
"Boy, truer words were never spoken," said Perrin.