Subject: Re: TAN:  You're having a Social *where*? - A report from Toledo
From: kcavness@proxicom.com (Kenneth G. Cavness)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan
Organization: Like I have any...

[snip Maggie's great report]

I fully intended to post a record of the Toledo social earlier, but
a nice second bout of Bronchitis floored me about a day after I 
arrived back in DC. I still have vestiges of it.

Unfortunately, Maggie and Drew, with Noell having supporting
comments, have stolen almost all of my thunder. That, and the
foggy haze of my trip have mostly obliterated what quotes I could
have given, so I'll just give my side, and Talmud-like, you can
determine whose was the most accurate.

--
This was a _Planned_ social, meaning I knew about it about four
months before it was going to happen. I bought the ticket about
three months before it was going to happen. So, I was _ready_.

Due to Toledo's relatively small airport, it's insanely expensive
to fly from here to Toledo; it's actually easier to take a train.
So, I do all my trekking to Toledo by Amtrak. The inevitable
comment when I tell people I was on a train was "You took a TRAIN?!"
as if, somehow, this were a dead form of transportation.

And maybe it is. I certainly hope not. While the trips are long
(from DC to Toledo is a 12 hour trip, all happening at night), the
scenery is quite beautiful (it goes right through the Appalachians
and a small part of the Shenandoah Valley), the staff on the trains
are _very_ polite and helpful, you can experience the novelty of 
eating on the train (and it is orders of magnitude better than
the fare you'd get on a plane), if you're a smoker, you can 
smoke in the smoking car, and generally it is a very nice experience.

It's probably helpful that it's usually much less crowded than taking
a plane, where they shove you into a cattle car and you get to spend
an hour or so treated like an animal the staff are vaguely
disgusted at.

So anyway, I'm expecting to spend about 3 days in Toledo, the time
of the Social, and then go back. But my place of work, a DAY before,
decides that I _must_ go to Toledo to meet with Owens Corning,
the project I'm working on, and their marketing subsidiary. Only
catch is, I have to leave the very next day (Friday). So, I 
started running around like a chicken with my head cut off, bought
another ticket, find housing, and let Maggie know that I'd
be in Toledo a bit earlier than I expected.

Like, 3 days earlier.

Now, Proxicom pays for expenses, so the train tickets are now
paid for, the hotel (should I wish to stay in one) is now paid
for, etc. Which was great. Except that they _reimburse_ for
expenses, and it was the end of the pay week. So I had no money.
Luckily, I have not only Maggie, but another friend in Toledo,
so I had a place to stay. Proxicom had damn well better be happy
that I saved them almost a grand in hotel costs.

I know I've digressed a lot here, so I'll hurry it up. Basically,
I got to the train station 5 minutes before the train pulled out
of the terminal, jumped on, enjoyed the trip, played spades with
a drunk man for a partner who kept blaming me for getting us
set all the time, and arrived in Toledo only an hour late, 
at 3:00 in the morning. Now, I fully expected to have to take
a taxicab to a bus terminal, wait for the bus, and get to 
North Toledo to meet Maggie, but they were, to my utter
surprise, knocking on the window outside the station just
as I was about to make a call of nature. 

Boy, was I surprised! 

So, three days passed that really have nothing to do with the
social (as if the last 6 paragraphs _have_), and on Wednesday,
I headed back to Maggie's to start the Vacation Proper. 

Now, I had met Maggie before, and was very happy to see her and
her kids and her husband, Mark, but what I was _really_ excited
about was meeting Noell and Drew, who I'd been wanting to meet
for quite some time. So I kept pestering Maggie about maybe meeting
them at the airport in Toledo, and like a good mother, she politely
and perseveringly let me know that Noell and Drew probably would rather
take care of all the tedious business of getting a rental car, 
registering at the hotel, and deciding for _themselves_ whether
or not they wanted to subject themselves to two excited kids (and
Maggie's children) jumping up and down and pestering them with
questions.

So, Maggie and I and the kids spent the day chattering away
about every topic under the sun, making plans for the week,
and generally enjoying ourselves. Maggie's husband, Mark, 
came back, and we decided to start playing Trivial Persuit.

Now, I'm a pretty big trivia buff, but Trivial Persuit _always_
kicks my ass. And with Mark and Maggie, who seem to know
_everything_, they beat me up pretty regularly. Especially
since I know exactly zip about sports.

Around midnight or so, we hear a thump on the window outside
and see the ghostly images of a blonde-haired knockout, and
Noell.[1] Maggie graciously buzzes them in, I jump up and down
excitedly, and generally make an ass of myself. What can I say?
I'm a sucker for meeting people.

I find out that Drew Smokes, which is a _good_ thing despite
what any of you non-smokers say, because it means that I can
have someone to talk to while I pour hot tar and smoke into
my lungs. Drew smokes Menthols, which is much akin to smoking
a candy cane, and we chat about that for a while. Maggie
and Noell were having a conversation inside, about what I have
no idea. They were pretty secretive about the whole thing.

Drew and I chatted about our jobs, where we were in the edumication
world (going nowhere fast), and generally made pretty fast friends.
That's fairly easy to do when you already know a person on-line.

Of course, by this point I'm a bit jealous of Drew. I mean, he's cute,
he's smart, he can blow smoke rings perfectly. Turns out, we hadn't
even started yet.

Drew and Noell prudently decide that sleep is a _really_ good
idea, so they go back to the hotel, and we all decide to go to sleep
since we have a big day of driving the next day to meet The Loy.

Now, if I was excited about meeting Noell and Drew, I was orgasmic
about meeting Mark, who I've known for 5 years _without ever actually
seeing him_. A five hour drive to meet him -- going through the
scenic paradise that was Ohio and Indiana -- would have been unbearable
without all four of us. Noell had thoughtfully brought some great music,
and we belted out the tunes merrily as we headed out.

Some more amusing (to me, anyway) memories about the trip:

1. We passed through Maggie's old neighborhood, where I had ample
opportunity to show off my newfound knowledge of roofing shingles.
Yes, yes, I know. I lead a pathetic and pointless existence. Bite 
me.

2. Drew kept commenting on the toll signs "Stop. Get Ticket", and
how Ohio really _meant business_ about giving out tickets. He also
harassed the uncomprehending ladies at the tollbooth. I'm just glad
he didn't pull a Fargo, I suppose.

3. We passed the Dan Quayle Center of History and Culture. I suppose
that's like the Benny Hill Center for Ettiquite and Sophistication.
I was reminded of Dan Quayle's remark, "I love California. Why, I grew
up in Phoenix."

4. We passed the "Butt Hut". I'll leave it to you to figure out what
that was for.

5. In Ashley, Indiana, their only claim to fame was a yellow tower
painted with a smiley face. I wonder if the pictures of it turned out.

6. Drew tore a map of Indianapolis into shreds in order to get at the
one small part he wanted, while intoning ominously, 'I hate maps.'

7. As we drove through Indianapolis, we encountered hills. Which 
surprised me to no end. And water. Which was another surprise. They
have _water_ in Indianapolis?

8. When we got to Mark Loy's neighborhood, I was frankly a bit shocked.
A bigger display of White Bread America could you not find. For some 
reason, I half expected Mark to live in a little shack of a place out in 
the middle of BFE, somewhat like Ted Kazynski.

At the door, Drew took bets that nobody would be home. I said nobody
would be. I lost. I handed him his dollar as we entered their demesne.

Deb Loy and Mark Loy and a _very_ excited Missy greeted us, jumping
around, humping legs, and generally acting happy to meet all of us.
Well, Missy was jumping around, anyway.

We stepped into Middle Suburbia. Complete with a _gorgeously_ decorated
house, a cheerily burning fireplace (_fake_ wood, no less), a huge
kitchen, a Christmas Set that would have made Martha Stewart green
with envy, and a _spotless_ house. I mean, it looked like the
Across the Border Brigade had swooped down with Generalissima Carlita
at its head and sternly whisked every speck of dust out of sight.

At this point I'm thinking, "Damn. Mark is going to be _such_ a 
disappointment."

Of course, I was wrong. Mark is a genuinely wonderful man, with an 
incredible sense of humour, and he apparently picked the perfect
wife to complement his own zany self, because she is at least as
zany as he is, and is certainly no wilting violet. It was _exactly_
like stepping into your favorite uncle's house, to be greeted 
precisely as if you were family that they were incredibly excited 
to see.

After a tour of the place, Deb went to go run some Errands, and
Mark's son and daughter arrived. Jenn Loy is _also_ a great person,
and we sat and chatted for a bit while I was there. Eric...well...
is Eric, and I'm genuinely worried that Mark's a bad influence
on the poor child. I mean, he _stripped_ for us to the tune of
"Bad to the Bone". Obviously, only a perverted mind could have
taught a 5 year old to perform such degenerate acts. 

Deb got back, and Drew and Mark started cooking the steaks.
Drew, being from Texas, puts beer on _everything_ (hey, it
really does make a good marinade. But then again, I'm from 
Texas too, so perhaps it's an illness). Note, at this point,
that we cooked the steaks on Mark and Deb's _outdoor grill_.

Drew, dear, you need to learn that the beer goes on the _steak_,
not all over the person you're chatting with.

Now, Mark mentioned all too kindly that I helped with the cooking.
Truth is, I didn't do a damn thing. Sorry, Drew. I shoulda done
_something_. I mainly stood around and talked with Drew and smoked.
Drew tried to convince me that Graendal killed Asmodean, mainly 
due to inductive reasoning. I _still_ don't buy it, because I just
don't understand why she would have bothered, and I don't see how
she could have _been_ there to do it. Anyway, he _did_ manage
to convince me that he has a photographic memory, because he remembers
an insane amount about the series. Chalk up another point for the
Drew.

Eventually, steak was cooked, food was placed upon table, and we 
sat down for repast. I managed to stick my foot in my mouth 
several times, but I honestly had a _wonderful_ time, the food
was _delicious_, and the company was incredible.

The rest of the night was mainly spent with Drew playing the
guitar and singing for us music that he had written. At one
point, when I went outside to smoke, I heard everyone inside
baying like dogs. I'm _really_ afraid to find out why.

The stamina of these folks amazes me, as by 2:30am I was ready to
_go_ _to_ _bed_, and everyone else was still up. So I slunk on 
upstairs to Eric's room, snuggled down, and fell asleep.

Day Two found Eric going to Karate Lessons, and when he got
back he wowed us all a bit with some of his Forms. We all
sat around the Breakfast table, chatting and playing
Pocket Tetris (which woke Drew up, and almost had him
throttling me) -- Drew played a game of it, and promptly
made an insanely high score.

Damn, man, is there _anything_ you can't do?

We were treated to Yet Another Loy Orgy, and then
sat around talking well into 12:30, realising that 
we were _definitely_ going to be late for the trip back to
Toledo. So, we very reluctantly said our goodbyes, packed
back into the renter, and went back to Toledo.

Maggie obsessed most of the way back about the lack of
cows, almost knocking me across the car in her excitement
when she actually _found_ one. "Damnit, there are supposed
to be COWS in the Heartland!" she kept yelling.

We arrived barely in time for the "vrai" social, got into
CoSI about 45 minutes before it was supposed to close, and
set about wrecking most of the Waterworks and Household
Chemistry sections of the area. Noell mysteriously disappeared,
only returning to tell us smugly that we'd missed the vast majority
of the place.

Well, damnit, we were having _fun_.

We were met, of course, by Steve Ginter, Paul Householder, and Kurt
mumblemumble. I enjoyed meeting all three, and the two Lurkers from
CASE promised that they'd start posting. I haven't seen anything
from them yet...

We bundled back up, met at Tony Paco's, had great mealage, and met
Maggie's husband Mark there again. The waitress kept hitting on 
Drew, and he bought a cobalt blue cup from her.

The two Cleveland men had to leave after Paco's, but the rest of us
piled back into the cars and returned to Chez Maggie, where we had
Much to Succor upon, watched _The Muppet Movie_, which I'd never
seen, and _The Princess Bride_, which I've seen over and over, and
generally had a ball. 

Like all good socials, this one had to come to an end, and like
all social reports, this one had to end somewhere. I really wish
I had a list of all the hilarious quotes made, or that all of you
could have been there, because it _was_ incredibly fun. Not so 
much for what we _did_ but for who we were with. I left with
the distinct wish that we could all go somewhere, form a 
commune, and live together until we all died from too much
fun.

But I'm just clingy that way, I guess.

Thanks so much Mark and Deb, Maggie and Mark for letting us
into your homes and your lives for a bit. You made this trip
worth every penny Proxicom paid for it.


-- 
Kenneth G. Cavness
http://conan.proxicom.com/~kcavness/
"Great.  I'm now picturing a 4-year-old, bearded Novak.  Talk about your
incongruous images." -- Michael Kozlowski, rasfwr-j

[1] Sorry, dear. But you know my proclivities. Besides, I'm sure you're
quite aware of your attributes. *grin*